God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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