walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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