He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
50% drunk capacity currently
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
