apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
