Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
