shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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