I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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