Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
