I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
