I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
