Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
