he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
