i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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