I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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