As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
