failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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