I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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