I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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