We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
