I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
