My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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