you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
