Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
