Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize