dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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