You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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