every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
