I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
