A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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