i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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