Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
