I got chris browned last night
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
