I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
