It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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