yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
