no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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