im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
