I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize