You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
