doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
