I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
