so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize