I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
being pregnant is like rehab
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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