I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
