so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
