thus making me awesome and them whores
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
