Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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