that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
then he tried to convert me to islam
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
