Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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