Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i think my cat just said my name.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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