Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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