Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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