I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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