Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
