He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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