Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Boobs speak an international language.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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