Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
