I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
