Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
