not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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