Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
