i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
